feel like a picture

March 28, 2013


[hint: it’s a wallpaper, click to enlarge]



March 28, 2013

I haven’t written in a while. Whoops.

My days have been heavy with work and then coming home and playing video games and then flopping down for sleep. Sometimes after episodes there comes a stretch of nothing where the brain tries to recuperate. When socializing happens, you win a few friends, you lose a few more. At work, you try to maintain the Face That People Expect To See. Your diet loses a couple of points as you consume hot fudge sundaes with extra hot fudge.

I alternate video games. Last time it was Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, and before that, Okami. This time, it’s Harvest Moon: Animal Parade which is a very soothing time-waster. When I play video games now, I think of Carl Sagan saying to his son, “Never show this to me again. I don’t want to waste time.”

Eat a few sour cream and onion cheesy poofs. Turn up the dorky music that makes you feel better. Drown out the voice of reason a little longer.

I took up a journal, but I’ve only discovered an unhealthy decline in the perfection of my penmanship. I’m appalled.

There’s a three day weekend coming up, wherein I’ll probably only get out of my clothes to attend a family Easter dinner, and only grudgingly, which means I’ll wear comfortable things.

Otherwise, it is either a). Venture Brothers marathon + knitting; b). Firefly marathon + knitting; c). Writing

I’m tired. But it’s one more day.


March 22, 2013

It’ll be a long day at work, something I’m not necessarily looking forward to but ready to pound into submission nonetheless. Grr. Grargfg.

I get such a strange, dreadful anxiety when I’m close to being out of medicine. It’s almost a physical pain. An eerie tightness in the chest.

feel like a picture

March 22, 2013

Green Curl[hint: it’s a wallpaper, click to enlarge]

feel like a picture

March 20, 2013


[hint: it’s a wallpaper, click to enlarge]


March 20, 2013

Ever have a day where someone tells you about something great that has happened to them and expect a lot of attention and praise out of you for it? Well fuck you, you’re not getting that out of me. Not this morning, at least. I’ll offer praise and attention when I’m feeling less like a cantankerous old man.

Good word, cantankerous.

I find that a lot of the time people tend to contact you to tell you about their wonderful news even when–and sometimes especially when–they haven’t spoken or paid attention to you in forever. They just want an ego-stroke, they don’t actually give much of a shit about you.

I am seriously having one of those days. I only want to care about people closest to me, not people who remember I exist when they want me to masturbate their feelings for them. I find it just about as ridiculous as an old high school bully trying to friend me on Facebook.

There is a reason why I live in the middle of nowhere, with just one person for company, and a smallish handful of close friends and neighbors whom I consider largely worth my time, effort, and mental masturbatory services. I do not do sycophantic fawning over people greedy for it.

I get exceedingly tired of people sometimes.


March 20, 2013

And fuck if I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. Is alienation a symptom of bipolar disorder or am I just paranoid right now? That “no one understands me, baw” feeling. Ugh, I hate it, it is pretentious, but fuck if I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere.

But you know. Bawww, whine, whatever. I was raised to believe that nothing I said had merit and people don’t pay me any mind anyway, so I don’t feel as if talking about this feeling is–well, let’s just say that when I feel this way, another voice tells me “shut up, cuntface, who the fuck gives a shit” which is true, completely true, wholly true.


March 18, 2013

I just had such an enormous and heart-hurting pang of emotion that tears sprung and a sob escaped before I had even realized what had happened.

I was told this tonight, so I did, and I realized I was in the grip of a euphoria that was threatening to overrun me. It started with the news about the Higgs Boson certainty, that scientists were 99% sure they had witnessed an actual Higgs Boson particle–this floored me. I was alight with wonder and happiness, and literally nothing has bothered me since then.

When I came home I put a movie on even before I changed out of my work uniform. Zero silence tolerance, though there is zero silence in the house anyway, what with the cycling of a fish tank or two. Sometimes silence is wonderful, and sometimes, on days like these, it is not.

My brain is whirling. I’m still in wonder. A Higgs Boson!

No longer a theory–now we know.

Cannabis is helping wonderfully. I’m settled. I may not be able to decide on what I want to do, or what I want to say or see or–well, whatever–but I’m remaining seated. I’m not going out and doing crazy things.

Like I want to.

Higgs Boson.


March 13, 2013

It’s a good, lazy day. I think I’ll take a nap.