about a high

March 8, 2013

As with anything you imbibe to induce a high, you sometimes get a little loopy. Too much cannabis makes me dizzy and quiet, because that level of high that is meant for sitting down and thinking deeply. There are many nuances of high that I have noticed in my experience of using, and as usual there are many different highs for the different types of cannabis just as there are for different types of cannabis products, such as edibles or topical applications. Cannabis comes in all kinds of shapes–food, lotion, lip balm, spray, plant, the possibilities are wide and far.

The high that is necessary for me to be able to function is a level of high that I try to maintain throughout my day, barring work. I have a flexible work schedule that keeps me at five hour shifts with a few eight hours here and there; this allows me to keep my stress levels down and my working levels up, so that I get in actual exercise in a day, which is very important. It also means that I am never too long without my medicine. I carry my pills with me everywhere unless I have already taken my dosage. I do not carry cannabis with me out of the house unless I am on an extended trip or running an errand that takes longer than an hour. On this note, I do not find that my driving is in any way inhibited after smoking cannabis–in fact, I am a very defensive driver who pays excellent attention to the road. I think that cannabis’s influence has gotten me to slow down and pay more attention than I did, and it keeps me from floating off into la-la-land.

I smoke throughout the day as I can, maintaining a level of alertness without being introverted. Yes, cannabis changes my thinking–I am more vocal after smoking, more creative, sometimes comedic, all of the time joyous. Cannabis brings a middling-out to my moods almost immediately. If there is depression, I start thinking differently after smoking, and it ebbs away. If I am euphoric or manic, the cannabis slows me down and brings me back to a focused, manageable current.

It also chases away all insomnia. Think about that for a moment: no insomnia, at all, for a bipolar person. Whoa. I can’t describe to you the senseless hours spent trying to get to sleep, trying desperately to stay asleep, being unable to sleep because the dreams are not letting you sleep, being unable to sleep for longer than hour periods–and waking at each interval. All of that is gone in just three tokes from my pipe.

I pass out and sleep like a baby.

I get regular 8-hour sleep because of cannabis. I think that in itself is one of the top reasons why I smoke. No medicine, no other alternative practice, can give me pure, dreamless, uninterrupted healthy sleep like cannabis can. It is a fucking miracle.

The effect of cannabis is immediate. It is the most wonderful, flowing feeling. Granted, for first-timers, it might not work. That’s normal–you have to keep trying. Believe me, it will hit. It worked for Carl Sagan, and he had to try almost seven times to experience it. Cannabis is not a scary substance in any way. It is not unhealthy, it is not cancerous. It’s a medicine. And it does so much good for so many patients.

I have a MTWThFSaS pill box for my weed. I’m serious about treating it like medicine. If I show others by example that I consider this a part of my medication routine and not a drug to fool around with, perhaps some good might come of that. Unfortunately I have to do so anonymously for now, but maybe one day I’ll be able to stand up confidently without worry of losing my livelihood and say, I use medicinal cannabis, and I love the fuck out of it.

feel like a picture

March 3, 2013

feel like a picture

But Before I Go

March 2, 2013

It is really difficult to hold my tongue sometimes, but I learned early that children were seen and not heard and “not heard” became “shut up” (in so many words, in tones of voices, in facial expressions, in long-suffering sighs, in incredibly awkward silences) several times after I tried opening my mouth and stupid stuff came out.

Stupid stuff so often comes out. It’s irrelevant, or it’s only funny in my head, or it’s downright esoteric, or entirely unrelatable. In despair I feel like the average are thinking in obtuse angles and I’m stuck in acute. In mania, the opposite.

Trapped in delusions and hallucinations and all kinds of colors, with only a partial ability to communicate the magnitude of all its greatness, and then again, without an audience that gives a shit. Unless you pay them.

Medicine. Helpful chemistry soothes things into a manageable flow; more control over abnormal behavior, no hallucinations, a clear head to think with and a mind to remember how not to hang on the panic button.

Cannabis. Slow the racing thoughts, stabilize the mood, ease panic providing the environment is stable and the imbiber is confident, open the pathways for language and expression for a mind normally…finding it difficult to communicate. Appropriately. Helps sleep, too, without ever needing more than a cup of chamomile tea as a sleep aid.

O muse.

First Post

March 2, 2013

Recently, I’ve had to come to grips–actual, realistic grips–with the fact that my disorder is severe. I have hardly considered it so until now. I suppose it was a mix of not wanting to and not really believing it was.  But the more that I think about it, however uncomfortable it makes me, the more I realize that I have a serious condition. It is debilitating, and it requires a heavy dosage of medication, and on normal terms would require much more, but because I was introduced to cannabis at the age of twenty, and since I began using it as a part of my medicinal routine, I do not have to take as much. In fact, because of cannabis directly, the quality of my life and my ability to function is so incredibly improved that I can’t imagine life without it.

But because it is illegal in my state (and country, still), I have to use this medicine within the privacy of my own home or in very private spaces where people are not around. I have to purchase this medicine off the black market, which brings me perilously close to other types of drugs that I want nothing to do with, but could easily get if I were manic and without medication / support long enough to do something incredibly stupid. This medicine makes me a criminal in the eyes of the law, but without it, I would not experience the quality of life that I do now. Being without it, to me, is utterly unacceptable. I’ll do whatever it takes to be able to keep functioning.

I want this blog to serve as a whole experience of what it is like to live with bipolar disorder, and how I use cannabis to my benefit as a bipolar person. Because I am not a doctor and because everyone is different, I cannot condone its use for everyone. I can only state my experiences and my discoveries.

Okay but since it’s late I’m gonna go now.